Christian and I loved spending time together. We didn’t have to be doing anything, and we would have the time of our lives. One thing we did like doing together, because we both shared a love for animals, is watching animal shows….documentaries like on PBS or Animal Planet or wherever. So yesterday, all of a sudden, my emotions and tears just poured out of me….there was no trigger, like usual….it just started…. and I just felt so alone in my pain. I have a wonderful husband, family and friends who try so hard to be there for me, and they are, but this pain is mine alone, and I just have to share it with God, who I know understands more than anyone ever could, even those who have lost a child. I miss my boy, and I walk through my house and see his program from his Celebration of Life everyday and see that dash with the date on the other side, when it shouldn’t be there yet, but it is. Those two dates: Birth and Death and that little space in between, even those who live to be in their 80’s and 90’s, that space in between is gone in a moment (poof!). I’m off this week, so I am home thinking, and not home enjoying myself, because I hurt my back this week, so I’m not doing much, but trying to re-cooperate, so I can go back to work on Monday…So like I said, I miss Christian every minute of every day, of course I do, but some moments are so much harder to get through than others, so I ask God to help me make it from one minute to the next and He does, for here I am typing, because writing is my sanctuary. So last night, I’m flipping through the millions of channels with nothing peaking my interest, and then I get to PBS, and I see an animal show on: Earth’s Amazing Miniature Miracles…. something similar to that title….it was all about tiny little creatures and plants that I had never heard about before. Christian and I would watch these types of shows for hours and just be in awe of the amazing creatures and flora that God created. We would discuss what we liked about them and laugh at some of their quirky characteristics and sometimes even look them up on the computer or youtube to try and get more information on them. Christian would tell me that I should show my kids in my class, and sometimes I did. So I’m watching this show and thinking how much Christian would have enjoyed this episode and feeling happy that I was watching something that we so much enjoyed doing together, but also wishing he was right there in the room beside me too. One part of the show was talking about this special type of plant that lives in the African desert that looks dead and can stay looking dead for decades…. but then all of a sudden it somehow rolls around pushed by the wind and finds a little puddle of water, and this plant that looks way beyond help, starts growing and then produces seeds…and if a huge rainstorm comes, the seeds start germinating in only a week and the plant continues to thrive. Guess what the name of the plant was? It was called the Resurrection Plant.….. how appropriate!!! I thought about Christian, and how he will be resurrected again with a new body. God let me see this show, and it gave me peace and more hope. You see, I do a lot of reading about Heaven, because that is where my boy is, and that is where my mom is and my dad and my brother are… and many of my other loved ones too. That’s where I am going to be and my other family members that are believers. I will see Christian again!! It’s a promise from God!! We will both be resurrected, like the plant, unless the Lord takes us believers, who are living, early. I had never heard of a Resurrection Plant, but the Lord had. He created it, like all the amazing things that we have here to remind us that there is a Creator. God gave us all these amazing things on this earth to help us learn who He is, and with that help, comes many promises as well. The one that came to me today, before I started writing, was the one when Jesus was talking to Martha after her brother Lazarus had died. He told her, ” I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, he shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die. (John 11:25,26) There you have it. Christian will live again, because he believed when he was a little boy, and since I live, and I believe as well, I will never die….I will just go to my next destination: “Heaven”, whenever that day will come. Then I will be with Christian forever and ever!! Another promise that I hold on to: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever!” (Revelation 21:4) Amen!! So until that day, I know God keeps track of all my sorrows and has collected each and every tear of mine in a bottle and has recorded each one in His book. (Psalm 56:8) He cares about me and all my moments, good and bad, and promises to use them all for good, because I love Him and He will come get me someday to live with Him forever and ever! So if you are reading this and are missing a loved one, especially a child, know that God cares about your pain, just like He cares about mine. He will make all things new if you believe that He can…. and if I can believe, you CAN too! ” And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with Me, so that you will always be with Me where I am! (John 14:3) God Bless!

• 

     Today marks the 7 month mark of  Christian's journey to heaven.  He
makes quite the angel, don't you think?  Like I said before, Christian was
not your run of the mill 23 year old.  He was an old soul, who loved his 
tattoos, beer and all music, new and old, especially Classic Punk.  
Christian loved to design his own clothes, skateboards, and pretty much
anything he could get his hands on.  He was artistic to a tee!!  Some of his
favorite places to visit were breweries, record stores, Goodwill stores,  
Submarina's and Guitar Centers.  We would visit those places time and 
time again.  It didn't matter what we did together, we would have a blast
just hanging out, talking and laughing.  I visited Guitar Center today, and
it always seems like something is missing when I go in there.  Christian
and I used to just go in there and hang out.  He would grab a bass, a folk
guitar, an electric guitar, or even go in the drum section and jam.  It was 
one of his happy places.  My husband is a musician and loves to go in there
as well.  Him and Christian shared the love of music and loved talking
music and jamming together.  So I get to visit Guitar Center now and then,
like today.  I've never shared this story:  Right after Christian passed 
away, my best friend Lisa, who I have know for almost 40 years, came to
comfort me and help me.  We always laugh and have fun together, and she
told me that we needed to go laugh, not only because Christian would have
wanted me to, but because it was ok that I did and that I shouldn't feel 
guilty about it.  So we went to a water park and floated in the Lazy River,
one of our favorite things to do.  We had to get a locker to keep all of our
things in. So obviously, we had to make several trips back and forth to the
locker.  At one point I got to the locker and looked down.  I couldn't believe
eyes.  It was a beautiful creamy angelic- white guitar pick!!!! I bent down 
and picked it up and showed it to Lisa.  We looked at each other with tears
in our eyes.  How would a pick get to a water park? It was a sign from God!
Christian was just fine!  Playing music up there, I'm sure!  I held it in my 
hand tightly, not wanting to put it back in the locker, but needed to for
safe keeping.  Later Lisa told me that Christian was just fine and wanted
me to be happy and that it was ok to laugh,  just like he was in heaven.  Tears 
streamed down my face, and I knew that beautiful white creamy angelic
pick was a sign from God and a promise that He had my boy and he was 
safe, healthy and happy and playing beautiful music, I'm sure, with my 
brother Steve, who had gone to heaven in 2003, and who was extremely
musical.  Christian was 8 at the time, and I always told him years later 
 that I was sorry that my brother had died so soon, because  he would
have had fun jamming and laughing with his Uncle Steve.  Now they are
spending eternity together and jamming and laughing constantly, I am
sure.  As much as I miss my boy, as a big lump is in my throat choking
back the tears, I would never want him to come back from a place where
all of his dreams have come true. THEY THAT WAIT UPON THE LORD
SHALL RENEW THEIR STRENGTH; THEY SHALL MOUNT UP WITH
WINGS LIKE EAGLES; THEY SHALL RUN, AND NOT GROW WEARY;
AND THEY SHALL WALK AND NOT FAINT . ISAIAH 40:31

• 

     Little did I know, 7 months to the day tomorrow, I would be sitting here
writing a blog about losing my son, Christian James.  He was not only my
son, he was my only child!  Being "Beautiful Mother" as he would call me, 
was my identity, my whole being,  the BEST THING I HAD EVER DONE 
IN MY WHOLE LIFE!  In an instant, all that was gone, and I am now living 
THE WORST PAIN THAT I HAVE EVER FELT IN MY WHOLE LIFE!   I still
can't believe it is real!  I think the phone is going to ring and again I will 
hear my 3 favorite words,"Hello Beautiful Mother!"  Then reality sets in,
and here I am, childless and devastated, but not hopeless!  Why?  Because
I trust in the Promises of God, my Heavenly Father.  My life verse for quite
sometime now has been Proverbs 3:5,6: Trust in the Lord with all your 
heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways 
acknowledge Him and HE will make your path straight.  Well, you can
see how hard it is for me to understand why God thought it was a good
idea to take my son to heaven.  I don't understand it ,and I don't like it
either!!!   There are quite a few things in my life that I haven't understood:
Why did my father shoot himself ?  Why did my brother jump off a bridge?
Why did my sweet, godly mother have to die from 3 kinds of cancer?  You
would think I've had enough pain for a lifetime, for several lifetimes, but 
no.  When Christian's dad left us, when he was only 6 months old, Oh, I 
guess I didn't mention that one. A dear friend of mine gave me the verse
Jeremiah 29:11: For I know the plans for you, says the Lord, plans for good
and not to harm you, but to give you a future and a hope!  I have held on to
that promise for years.  As you can see, I needed to keep my hope alive.  
All of those verses, speak to me, and tell me that I need to trust and hope
even more than I ever have before.  We don't see the masterpiece that God
is making of our lives.  We only see the puzzle pieces.  He promises He will 
never leave us or forsake us.  Even in this circumstance, when I feel like I
am alone in my pain, He is here, right beside me, even when I think I am 
alone in this nightmare.  So through my pain and this bad dream, I want
to find others who can relate somehow, that not only I can help through 
Christian's death, but who can give me comfort as well!  God tells us to 
Love thy neighbor as thyself, and that is exactly what I want to do.  My son
Christian was not your typical 23 year old, but he did love how unique
people were and tried to make everyone feel loved and happy through his
funny sense of humor and his music.  Through his life, I want to connect
to others with my passion for writing and let people know that they are
loved, and that no matter how hard this life gets, we need to keep our hope
alive and trust that God will keep all of His promises.  I have faith that this
journey that God has passed on to me through my son, Christian 
James, will bring my readers love, joy and peace now and for all eternity!